First, there are two terms I keep hearing repeatedly that seem to be used as synonyms of the words “good”, “moral”, or “right”. These two terms are Christian and traditional. I wish to say that you don’t get to be a good person simply because of your belief in a god. Being a good person is a status you have to earn… and you earn it by doing good things. Similarly, being a Christian doesn’t make you moral and morality isn’t exclusive to being Christian. For example, I would say that the Dalai Lama (Buddhist) is quite a moral person whereas Fred Phelps (Christian) is not. Yet, in so many of the arguments against gay marriage, I keep hearing how it’s wrong because it is contrary to Christian values as if Christian values are the end all, be all of everything that is right. It’s not and I wish people would stop talking as if it is. Again, you are a good person because you do good things and that has nothing to do with whatever god you choose to believe (or not believe).

Another word I hear in place of the words “good”, “moral, or “right” is traditional. Recently, a group called A Million Moms got their panties in a bunch because JC Pennys chose Ellen Degeneres as one of their spokespeople. The reason they appeared to being going through a difficult PMS cycle (they must all have their cycles in sync) is because Ellen is gay and they didn’t think having a gay spokesperson is representative of wholesome, “traditional”, and American values. I have this image of a million, non-voting, stay-at-home moms/homemakers, who live only bear children and to stand by their men, rallying while holding pitchforks, afraid that “the gays” will corrupt their youth. Really? Do you seriously want to return to traditional values because those traditional were oh so right?

This brings me to the third commonly misused word. Godless means you don’t believe in a god. That’s it. However, the religious use the word to demean atheists as people who lack morals. So why does religion have such a big say in how “godless” people live their lives anyway? Beats me! I mean, I get that if you’re religious, why it would be troubling if you discovered you had gay urges. But why do you feel the need to impose your religious beliefs onto those who don’t share your beliefs. I’ve heard people argue that if you support the LGBT community’s right to live their lives however they see fit, you should also accept that there are others who don’t feel the same way. While I would agree with this sentiment, the part that I find troubling is this. We are not talking about a simple difference of opinion. It’s not that one group likes chocolate and a second group likes vanilla. It’s that one group likes chocolate and the second group thinks the first group is fuckin’ disgusting for liking chocolate and should die and burn in hell for it. If religious groups would allow others to live and let live, then I don’t think they would offend so many non-believers. The problem is, people of faith (like Rick Santorum) talk as if they are the moral centres of the human race. They are not. A few days ago, Rick talked about “the truth” and “God tells us”…etc. etc. My first thought was, don’t talk as if your God’s existence is fact. Because your God is just a belief, what he “says” has zero legitimacy and your quotes have no credibility. He might as well have been talking about Santa Claus. For those who have difficulty grasping why it’s not okay for people of religion to push their beliefs on people who don’t believe what they do, would you support the actions of extremist, orthodox jews in Israel who spat and hurled insults at an 8 year old girl who they felt dressed immodestly? Sorry, you simply do not get to act like an utter asshole because someone else does something that offends your personal sensibilities.

So why have I become so opposed to religion? If it’s not yet clear, let me put it this way. I am not religious but don’t consider myself an atheist either. Why? Because I don’t know whether or not there’s a god. I’m just not willing to believe simply because of an age old book, written in a dead language, translated and interpreted over and over again by man, that cannot be supported by any real proof or evidence. Yet, people who believe in the various iterations of this book all believe their version is the truth and tend to look down on anyone else who disagrees. The same people pick and choose which elements of their book they are willing to believe and behave in ways that are so contrary to the instructions of their book. Yet when questioned, they get offended and talk about “faith”, which really is just a term that means “I don’t need any proof, no matter how wacky my beliefs are”. Governments and society have bent over backwards for religious groups for so long, I think it’s time we hold them accountable to their religions. We also need to stop treating people of faith as if they are better than those who don’t believe in a god. I mean, why should there be any difference? Religious organizations should be forced to abide by the laws governing the society as a whole, with zero special treatment. Religious freedom should never supersede a society’s rules and religion should never be used as a defence for one person’s hatred for another.

Recently, I’ve been hearing Christians talk about how they are under attack. Last year in Kelowna, BC, an atheist group paid to have ads put on the sides of buses with the message, “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.” Christian groups were incensed, found the message offensive, and managed to get the ads removed. How is it okay to bombard us with Christian messaging (God bless, Christ is our Saviour, Jesus is the truth, etc.) but not okay to question it? I mean, what about the right of non-Christians to live our lives how we want and to believe what we believe? Would you consider going up to someone you barely know (or don’t know at all) to share your opinions of how they live their lives? Most people wouldn’t. So why do so many Christians feel they have the right to tell everyone else how to live their lives… and why have we put up with it for so long? How I live my life might be contrary to the beliefs of your religion but your opinion does not matter to me. I didn’t ask you for your opinion, I don’t care about your opinion, and I’m sure not going to change my life because of what you believe. Your religion might teach you that I’m a sinner but I don’t buy into the teachings of your religion so, in my mind, your beliefs have zero relevance in my life. By pushing your beliefs on others, you are asking to be challenged. Don’t declare that your religion is under attack when people are simply exercising their right to not subscribe to your beliefs.

Are there good Christians out there? Of course there are! My aunt is a good example of one. What makes her a good person is not the fact that she’s a Christian. It’s because she is a loving, accepting, supportive individual who does not judge others simply because they disagree with her. She truly behaves in the ways you would expect a good person to behave. She doesn’t impose her beliefs on others and she doesn’t use guilt as a means to control others.

If only all people of religion lived this way…

Depression has been in the news quite a bit lately, especially with the suicide of former Vancouver Canuck Rick Rypien and with the suicides of several teens due to bullying. Depression is sinister as it creeps into your life ever so slowly. I too know about depression. For about 10 years including part of high school, all of my university days, and the early part of my professional career, I suffered through it.

Without going into too many details, it slowly crept into my life starting in childhood. I was a capable, creative and intelligent child but I had very low self esteem. As I grew up and was faced with the reality of my sexual orientation – something I worked hard to deny – the feelings of loneliness and lack of sense of belonging left me more and more isolated. My sister once told me she thought I behaved somewhat obsessively. When I think about the things I obsessed about, they were all things I clung to because, for one reason or another, they made me feel better about myself. As much as they helped me through, they also obscured the fact that my depression was growing deeper. This is not to say there weren’t good times because there were. However, between my unwillingness to face my attraction to other guys, the need to pretend to be someone I wasn’t, and not having anyone I could confide in, it took a toll on my mental well being. When, during the last 6 months of university, I finally allowed myself to explore the idea that I could be gay, the guilt I felt was incredible and I hated who I was.

Fast forward to the 5th year of my teaching career. I was finally in a place where I accepted that I was gay and could say the words out loud to myself. Oddly, things weren’t much better and the negativity in my head continued to dominate. I was finally exploring feelings I should have had in high school, but didn’t know how to manage them. I “fell in love” with a guy who kept declaring he was straight but for one reason or another, wouldn’t let me exit his life. No matter. I didn’t want to. It was a roller coaster ride that I couldn’t stop. At times, I was flying high and so in love. Other times, when faced with the fact those feelings were not being returned, I found myself crying myself to sleep for nights on end. Thoughts of how much easier things would be if my life ended kept creeping into my head and yet I kept beating myself up for not having the “courage” to make it happen. One of my lowest points was while I was teaching. After I got my class working quietly, I stepped out of the room, found a dark storage room in the back and wept. It was at this point I knew I had to get help.

At the doctor’s office, I found the courage to tell my doctor about my depression. To my surprise, he showed me his notes from ten years prior. It seems I had this conversation with him before – and I had no recollection of it! I had been in a state of clinical depression for 10 years, living in a haze for an entire decade. The difficult thing about depression is there are highs and there are lows with very little in between. During the highs, you’re happy, everyone loves you, you’re convinced everything is fine and no one is the wiser. When you’re down, you hide from the world, don’t want to burden people with your problems, and again no one is the wiser. It was literally like being on drugs, drugs produced by my own brain, repeatedly flying high and crashing down… and nobody knew. The chemical imbalance made it difficult for me to function normally and as a result, I had no control over my life but was instead just going through the motions. I was fortunate that, as low as I felt, a part of me wasn’t willing to give up and I got the help I needed.

Apparently, there’s this stigma associated with depression and I’m not sure why. Having gone through it, I feel it’s made me stronger. For the most part, I feel confident and self assured. I am not afraid to talk about my depression because, as difficult as those 10 years were, I don’t blame myself. It wasn’t due to some weakness on my part. It wasn’t something I deserved. I still experience rough periods but they are nowhere near as extreme as they were. It’s a battle every time I feel down because I worry that if I let myself get back into that state of mind, I will end up back where I was. Some people find I express myself, in particular my frustrations, perhaps a bit too much. For me, I find it therapeutic because it allows me to confront the source of my frustrations rather than pretend they don’t exist. It also helps ground me knowing I’m no longer keeping these feelings bottled up or hidden. At the same time, I have to work on letting go of the things that upset me, which is often easier said than done. It’s a daily struggle and I feel like I’m far from figuring it all out. I just know I want to keep trying.

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To whom it may concern

“The writers of this draft policy have made a fundamental error,” explained George Kovacic to Burnaby school trustees during an April 26th public meeting.  “They have attempted to eliminate discrimination against one group of people but in doing so, they have simply displaced the discrimination from one group onto others.”

The Policy states: “Support inclusion of all students and employees in all aspects of school life, irrespective of their real or perceived sexual orientation or gender identity.” This includes protection and support for all. I wonder if you may be confused because of the fact that currently, it is the LGBT community that is being victimized by members of the straight community and not the other way around.

Recently, I ended a friendship with someone… something that should have happened a long time ago. I held on as long as I did because of the friendship I once had with this person. However, I was holding on to a friendship that hasn’t existed in a while. One thing it has taught me is I have a tendency to hold on to the past. This got me thinking of all the other things I’ve been holding on to and how these things have affected my choices – and it scares me a bit.

We are all shaped by our past experiences and sometimes, this isn’t a good thing. Let me rephrase that. When we can’t figure out how to reconcile our past, it can keep us from moving forward. In my case, learning to accept my homosexuality was a long and difficult process and as a result, I feel like I’m carrying quite a bit of baggage. On one hand, I am the person I’ve always been. On the other, I wish I wasn’t – at least not completely. For the most part, I like who I am, the values I hold, the stand that I take. On the other hand, I wish I could be more free in being a gay man and not just a man who happens to be gay.

I find that to this day, even with people who I know could give a damn about my sexuality, I still have a hard time saying the words. It’s not that I’m ashamed in any way because I’m not. However, it’s almost like I’m holding so strongly onto my identity of “being a man” that I’m ignoring the “who happens to be gay” part.  Also, it just seems like such an absurd thing to have to do… to say to people, “I’m gay.” I can’t recall the last time a straight friend had to say explain that he or she was straight. And yet, this is part of the baggage that I seem to have. Why can’t I just let go of this and accept that, despite the openness of the community in which I live, sometimes people need the explanation in order for them to really know who I am? It feels like, in the last couple of years, I’ve actually taken a step backwards in how open I am with my sexuality. I find I’m doing less and less to “get out there”, when all I want to do is socialize and have a group of friends in the community. I envy gay acquaintances who go out regularly just to socialize, who can step into a bar or a night club and see dozens of friends they can have fun with. These people are out there, are dating, are falling in love, and sometimes, even getting married. All this is happening while I hide myself in my condo and go about my life isolated from most gay men. When I do socialize, it’s typically with the straight friends who make up 95% of the people in my life.

As much as I’ve accepted that I’m gay, I know I haven’t entirely embraced it. Years go by and I still don’t “get out there” to meet other gay men. I would love to meet gay men just by living my lifestyle but I’m realizing that this is not enough and that, as a gay man, I need to do more to seek out other gay men. If’ I’m ever going to meet someone to spend my life with, I can’t spend all my time in groups of mostly straight people. I also have to accept that although I’m not interested in the stereotypical gay man, I have to learn to accept them into my circle because most other gay men do.

A friend said to me earlier today, “you have to get out there because he’s not just going to fall through your ceiling.” I just have to keep reminding myself of this next time I hide out in my condo.

To those of you who’ve come across my recent blog entries and relate all too well with my comments… if you’re ever in Vancouver, let’s “get out there” together.

For the past 4 years, I’ve bemoaned the fact that I haven’t met anyone at the gym that I would consider a friend and the few that I talk with are barely friendly acquaintances. Nico is this masculine, attractive guy who just started working out at my gym. Physically, he’s totally my type – Dark hair, kind eyes, around my height (a bit taller), not overly muscular but in good shape, and most importantly, masculine. I wouldn’t have thought much of it except for the fact that he’s got this energy about him. I’ve encountered it before a few times. It’s an energy that puts you at complete ease when you talk to this total stranger and you feel like you’ve known him for much longer. There was no awkwardness, no smalltalk, no shyness. I knew I liked him from the moment we started talking and he seems genuinely interested in getting to know me.

Unfortunately for me, he’s married.

It isn’t often I meet someone like Nico and I don’t want to not befriend him because he’s straight and married. However, for the first time in a long time, it seems my self-preservation defences haven’t kicked in and I find myself worried that I’m about to knowingly allow myself to start falling for a straight guy.

Similarly, just because I’m Asian doesn’t mean I’m a little, submissive twinkie who is less masculine. I’m not smarter because I’m Asian. I don’t have squinty eyes. And the only accent I have is a Canadian one.

What I’m saying is, I hate being stereotyped. It is by far, my biggest pet peeve and it is something I find very offensive. Yes, there are things that I enjoy that can be classified as being part of the gay stereotype. I used to compete gymnastics but I’m also a hockey fan (and for the record, most of the other guys I knew in gymnastics were straight). I like to bake and cook but also like to build things. I actually enjoy a good “chick flick” and it was embarrassing being on a plane, watching The Notebook for the first time (I shouldn’t be allowed to watch such movies in public). However, I love my action, horror and sci-fi movies as well.

I’m not really sure what my point is except that I am who I am. An unique individual who is not a cliché. Please don’t treat me like one.

What keeps holding me back from going up and saying hi to a guy like this is the fact that I’ve never had any success with it. Translation: They always turn out to be straight. This little fact has gotten me feeling very insecure about the people I’m attracted to.

So, how does one go about finding out if a masculine guy is gay? I know for me, I’ve had enough people, gay and straight, tell me they thought I was straight. The gay ones have admitted to keeping their distance because of incorrect assumption. Knowing that, I don’t want to continue missing opportunities of meeting cool men. I want to be confident enough to just show a guy I’m interested but I fear my track record has really screwed me up.

How would you go about talking with a guy you’re interested in when you’re not sure is gay? Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.

For example, I’ve been working out at the same gym for the past 4 years. It’s located in downtown Vancouver and is attended by a lot of gay men. One thing I’ve noticed though is when I used to work out in the suburbs, I felt like I was a part of the gym’s community. I always knew someone at the gym and it felt friendly. This has not been the case at my new gym. Despite being predominantly gay, I’ve never felt so isolated. People don’t talk to me and I don’t feel l belong.

I don’t go to the gym to meet guys and actually think it’s such a cliche to chat up someone at the gym. However, it would be nice to see people there who I could consider friends, people I can rely on for a spot or possibly even work out with occasionally. However, after 4 years, I can count on one hand the number of people I feel comfortable talking to.

So, this has me thinking. Am I sending off some sort of vibe that says “leave me alone”, some sort of straight vibe, or am I simply not attractive to gay men? I mean, I think I’m a good looking man and have gotten a lot of attention from women. But gay men are different beasts with different motivations. Do I need to “nelly it up” for other gay men to feel comfortable around me? I hope not. I’m not sure how successful I would be.

On the flip side, I’ve been called on something lately, something I find unusual. Recently, I was disappointed by someone I met online. It turned out he faked everything about himself except his beliefs and general life characteristics. It was a random meeting on a discussion forum as opposed to a dating site. He got my attention because he seemed to have very similar moral values regarding dating and monogamy. We started an exchange and when he included a photo of himself, I was hooked. After a very friendly online chat that lasted almost 3 hours, he cut of all contact with me. Later, I learned he was using someone else’s photos and that he had lied about who he was.

I told my story on the discussion forum where we met and someone posted a response that seemed to suggest it was my fault for pursuing a friendship partially due to a physical attraction. Hmmm. Isn’t that normally how it’s done? Don’t we all develop an interest in someone partially due to physical attraction?

This past weekend, I met some new people through friends at dinner. After dinner, some of us went to a sports bar for some drinks. While we were there, one of my friends started receiving text message on his phone from one of the guys who had chosen not to join us for after-dinner drinks. It seems he was interested in me and was trying to get more info. He was a nice enough guy but not someone I normally notice. Well, my friends kept talking like it was a done deal and that he and I should go on a date. I almost felt like I was obligated to do so and then I felt like an asshole for not being more interested. I mean, good looks isn’t all that counts. It’s not even mostly what counts. Without substance behind a pretty face, interactions become pretty dull fast. And we’ve all experienced situations where people become more and more attractive as we get to know them. But when you don’t know someone and the physical is all we have to go on, isn’t it normal to place a higher priority on the physical? It’s not like I wouldn’t go out with this guy just because I’m not that into him physically. However, should I feel guilty about not being super excited about it? Am I being too picky? Do I sound like a complete jackass?

I really want to break down the walls I may be unconsciously putting up and to become a better gay man. Because I feel like I’m doing something wrong with regards to my lack of success meeting gay men, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Honestly, part of my problem is that I lack experience, having hidden myself away for so many years; but seriously, how does a masculine gay man meet other masculine gay men to date? I know I want to. I know I’m ready. Problem is, it simply isn’t happening for me and hasn’t for years. Occasionally, I meet someone I like but he either doesn’t follow through, thus indicating he’s just not that interested, or he’s taken.

Actually, I have to make a minor correction. Most often, guys I’m interested in turn out to be straight. Obviously, this is a problem. It’s not like I purposely target straight guys because I don’t. It’s just that if I’m interested, he’s probably straight. Like I said, busted gaydar.

So, what are the signals that I’m not reading? How do you know if a masculine guy is into you and not just being nice. Recently, a guy moved into my building. He had the qualities I find attractive. Soft spoken, unassuming but also easy on the eyes. Gave me a big smile when we first met. However, with my history, I assumed he was straight and thought nothing of it. A month ago, I had a party at my newly renovated condo. Some of my neighbours stopped by and we got to talking. My friend Pauline asked if I had met Marco, the guy that just moved in onto her floor, the guy I recently met. I said, “sure, he seems like a nice guy.” Pauline then proceeded to ask why I hadn’t asked him out yet, to which I said, “I’m pretty sure he’s straight.” Well, Pauline wasn’t so sure and over the next couple of weeks, she made it her mission to find out. One day, we were chatting outside of her apartment and some guy who wasn’t Marco, went straight to Marco’s door, opened it with a key and went inside. Damn.

A few days later, Pauline and I were chatting and came to the conclusion that we can’t assume Marco had a boyfriend living with him. After we ended our chat, I said “screw it” and made a bold gesture. I grabbed a bottle of wine and headed to Marco’s apartment. I figured if he had a boyfriend, I would just welcome both of them to the building and if he didn’t, I would ask him out. When Marco opened the door, he looked a bit in a daze. Apparently, I had woken him up from a nap. Good thing was, he was by himself. I apologized for waking him, gave him the wine, and told him I had been meaning to stop by as I didn’t get a chance to invite him to my party. He had a big smile on his face and apologized for his state as he had been trying to nap before going out. I asked, “Oh, where are you headed tonight?” to which he responds, “I’m going out with my girlfriend tonight.” Damn. Anyway, we chatted briefly before I again apologized for waking him and left him to continue his nap.

Needless to say, I felt a bit deflated and wondered how, by allowing myself to ignore my instincts, I ended up being interested in yet another straight man. With this track record, I’m worried that I’ve become a bit defeated and it’s not a nice feeling. I’ve begun to assume masculine men that I meet are straight. And yet, I see happy and masculine gay couples on the street and I ask myself what I need to do to find the man of my dreams.

So, if you have suggestions or pointer, I’d love to hear them.

For all of you who don’t “get” being gay, there’s really not much to it. If you’re a straight woman, imagine what turns you on about men and that’s pretty much what turns me on. For the straight guys who have a hard time understanding, imagine what your girlfriend or wife likes to do to you when you’re engaged in sex. That’s what I like to do to men too! I know, pretty gross, eh? And when I say gross, I mean how I feel when I imagine my tongue in the same “feminine places” that straight men often put their tongues. Seriously. Gross! All joking aside, my point is that what is normal for you isn’t necessarily what is normal for me. Stop judging people based on who they love.

With that out of the way, if you are straight and you choose to continue reading my blog, you accept that this is MY blog about MY life, feelings and experiences. Derogatory comments will be promptly deleted.

I lived most of my life in denial. The shame that society places on gay people is the reason. I spent years hiding my sexuality by being non-sexual. Excuses were common. Although I never attended church, I hid behind religious expectations and “Christian moral principals” to deny my true feelings. No sex before marriage was a very convenient rule for a guy who had no wish to have sex with women. The result of my self-repression was depression, which progressed to a clinical depression during my university years. The feelings of depression discussed with my doctor in first year university were subsequently dismissed for an entire decade.

At age 24.5, living away from my parents for the first time in my life, during a moment of what I thought was utter weakness, I had my first experience with another man. I recall the nervousness I felt at the beginning, the sense of finally understanding what all the fuss was about during, and the horrible disappointment, guilt and self-hatred at the end. It was another 3-4 years before I accepted that I was gay… I just couldn’t say the words, even to myself. My depression became unbearable, affecting my work as a teacher and pretty much every other aspect of my life. I recall one day with a class full of students, hiding in a back room at work sobbing in the dark, in a state of complete despair. When I talked to my doctor about it, he reminded me that I had talked with him about the same feelings 10 years prior. That’s a full decade of living in a fog! Something had to change.

After a year of anti-depression medication and counselling, I awoke one day and realized the fog had lifted. Still, despite finally accepting my sexuality, I almost never talked about it. This is what we call “being in the closet”. It wasn’t for another 5 years or so, around when I was 36-37, that I suddenly found myself surrounded by people who all knew I was attracted to men and didn’t give a shit. For me, this is when my life finally began.

Now for the past 5 years, I’ve grown a lot in both experience in learning how to be comfortable in my own skin. As it turns out, I’m pretty much the same person I was all along. The only difference is I like myself a lot more than I used to. Having said that, I find that in some ways, I’m still struggling to come to terms with being gay.