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To whom it may concern

“The writers of this draft policy have made a fundamental error,” explained George Kovacic to Burnaby school trustees during an April 26th public meeting.  “They have attempted to eliminate discrimination against one group of people but in doing so, they have simply displaced the discrimination from one group onto others.”

The Policy states: “Support inclusion of all students and employees in all aspects of school life, irrespective of their real or perceived sexual orientation or gender identity.” This includes protection and support for all. I wonder if you may be confused because of the fact that currently, it is the LGBT community that is being victimized by members of the straight community and not the other way around.

Recently, I ended a friendship with someone… something that should have happened a long time ago. I held on as long as I did because of the friendship I once had with this person. However, I was holding on to a friendship that hasn’t existed in a while. One thing it has taught me is I have a tendency to hold on to the past. This got me thinking of all the other things I’ve been holding on to and how these things have affected my choices – and it scares me a bit.

We are all shaped by our past experiences and sometimes, this isn’t a good thing. Let me rephrase that. When we can’t figure out how to reconcile our past, it can keep us from moving forward. In my case, learning to accept my homosexuality was a long and difficult process and as a result, I feel like I’m carrying quite a bit of baggage. On one hand, I am the person I’ve always been. On the other, I wish I wasn’t – at least not completely. For the most part, I like who I am, the values I hold, the stand that I take. On the other hand, I wish I could be more free in being a gay man and not just a man who happens to be gay.

I find that to this day, even with people who I know could give a damn about my sexuality, I still have a hard time saying to words. It’s not that I’m ashamed in any way because I’m not. However, it’s almost like I’m holding so strongly onto my identity of “being a man” that I’m ignoring the “who happens to be gay” part.  Also, it just seems like such an absurd thing to have to do… to say to people, “I’m gay.” I can’t recall the last time a straight friend had to say explain that he or she was straight. And yet, this is part of the baggage that I seem to have. Why can’t I just let go of this and accept that, despite the openness of the community in which I live, sometimes people need the explanation in order for them to really know who I am? It feels like, in the last couple of years, I’ve actually taken a step backwards in how open I am with my sexuality. I find I’m doing less and less to “get out there”, when all I want to do is socialize and have a group of friends in the community. I envy gay acquaintances who go out regularly just to socialize, who can step into a bar or a night club and see dozens of friends they can have fun with. These people are out there, are dating, are falling in love, and sometimes, even getting married. All this is happening while I hide myself in my condo and go about my life isolated from most gay men. When I do socialize, it’s typically with the straight friends who make up 95% of the people in my life.

As much as I’ve accepted that I’m gay, I know I haven’t entirely embraced it. Years go by and I still don’t “get out there” to meet other gay men. I would love to meet gay men just by living my lifestyle but I’m realizing that this is not enough and that, as a gay man, I need to do more to seek out other gay men. If’ I’m ever going to meet someone to spend my life with, I can’t spend all my time in groups of mostly straight people. I also have to accept that although I’m not interested in the stereotypical gay man, I have to learn to accept them into my circle because most other gay men do.

A friend said to me earlier today, “you have to get out there because he’s not just going to fall through your ceiling.” I just have to keep reminding myself of this next time I hide out in my condo.

To those of you who’ve come across my recent blog entries and relate all too well with my comments… if you’re ever in Vancouver, let’s “get out there” together.

For the past 4 years, I’ve bemoaned the fact that I haven’t met anyone at the gym that I would consider a friend and the few that I talk with are barely friendly acquaintances. Nico is this masculine, attractive guy who just started working out at my gym. Physically, he’s totally my type – Dark hair, kind eyes, around my height (a bit taller), not overly muscular but in good shape, and most importantly, masculine. I wouldn’t have thought much of it except for the fact that he’s got this energy about him. I’ve encountered it before a few times. It’s an energy that puts you at complete ease when you talk to this total stranger and you feel like you’ve known him for much longer. There was no awkwardness, no smalltalk, no shyness. I knew I liked him from the moment we started talking and he seems genuinely interested in getting to know me.

Unfortunately for me, he’s married.

It isn’t often I meet someone like Nico and I don’t want to not befriend him because he’s straight and married. However, for the first time in a long time, it seems my self-preservation defences haven’t kicked in and I find myself worried that I’m about to knowingly allow myself to start falling for a straight guy.

Similarly, just because I’m Asian doesn’t mean I’m a little, submissive twinkie who is less masculine. I’m not smarter because I’m Asian. I don’t have squinty eyes. And the only accent I have is a Canadian one.

What I’m saying is, I hate being stereotyped. It is by far, my biggest pet peeve and it is something I find very offensive. Yes, there are things that I enjoy that can be classified as being part of the gay stereotype. I used to compete gymnastics but I’m also a hockey fan (and for the record, most of the other guys I knew in gymnastics were straight). I like to bake and cook but also like to build things. I actually enjoy a good “chick flick” and it was embarrassing being on a plane, watching The Notebook for the first time (I shouldn’t be allowed to watch such movies in public). However, I love my action, horror and sci-fi movies as well.

I’m not really sure what my point is except that I am who I am. An unique individual who is not a cliché. Please don’t treat me like one.

What keeps holding me back from going up and saying hi to a guy like this is the fact that I’ve never had any success with it. Translation: They always turn out to be straight. This little fact has gotten me feeling very insecure about the people I’m attracted to.

So, how does one go about finding out if a masculine guy is gay? I know for me, I’ve had enough people, gay and straight, tell me they thought I was straight. The gay ones have admitted to keeping their distance because of incorrect assumption. Knowing that, I don’t want to continue missing opportunities of meeting cool men. I want to be confident enough to just show a guy I’m interested but I fear my track record has really screwed me up.

How would you go about talking with a guy you’re interested in when you’re not sure is gay? Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.

For example, I’ve been working out at the same gym for the past 4 years. It’s located in downtown Vancouver and is attended by a lot of gay men. One thing I’ve noticed though is when I used to work out in the suburbs, I felt like I was a part of the gym’s community. I always knew someone at the gym and it felt friendly. This has not been the case at my new gym. Despite being predominantly gay, I’ve never felt so isolated. People don’t talk to me and I don’t feel l belong.

I don’t go to the gym to meet guys and actually think it’s such a cliche to chat up someone at the gym. However, it would be nice to see people there who I could consider friends, people I can rely on for a spot or possibly even work out with occasionally. However, after 4 years, I can count on one hand the number of people I feel comfortable talking to.

So, this has me thinking. Am I sending off some sort of vibe that says “leave me alone”, some sort of straight vibe, or am I simply not attractive to gay men? I mean, I think I’m a good looking man and have gotten a lot of attention from women. But gay men are different beasts with different motivations. Do I need to “nelly it up” for other gay men to feel comfortable around me? I hope not. I’m not sure how successful I would be.

On the flip side, I’ve been called on something lately, something I find unusual. Recently, I was disappointed by someone I met online. It turned out he faked everything about himself except his beliefs and general life characteristics. It was a random meeting on a discussion forum as opposed to a dating site. He got my attention because he seemed to have very similar moral values regarding dating and monogamy. We started an exchange and when he included a photo of himself, I was hooked. After a very friendly online chat that lasted almost 3 hours, he cut of all contact with me. Later, I learned he was using someone else’s photos and that he had lied about who he was.

I told my story on the discussion forum where we met and someone posted a response that seemed to suggest it was my fault for pursuing a friendship partially due to a physical attraction. Hmmm. Isn’t that normally how it’s done? Don’t we all develop an interest in someone partially due to physical attraction?

This past weekend, I met some new people through friends at dinner. After dinner, some of us went to a sports bar for some drinks. While we were there, one of my friends started receiving text message on his phone from one of the guys who had chosen not to join us for after-dinner drinks. It seems he was interested in me and was trying to get more info. He was a nice enough guy but not someone I normally notice. Well, my friends kept talking like it was a done deal and that he and I should go on a date. I almost felt like I was obligated to do so and then I felt like an asshole for not being more interested. I mean, good looks isn’t all that counts. It’s not even mostly what counts. Without substance behind a pretty face, interactions become pretty dull fast. And we’ve all experienced situations where people become more and more attractive as we get to know them. But when you don’t know someone and the physical is all we have to go on, isn’t it normal to place a higher priority on the physical? It’s not like I wouldn’t go out with this guy just because I’m not that into him physically. However, should I feel guilty about not being super excited about it? Am I being too picky? Do I sound like a complete jackass?

I really want to break down the walls I may be unconsciously putting up and to become a better gay man. Because I feel like I’m doing something wrong with regards to my lack of success meeting gay men, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Honestly, part of my problem is that I lack experience, having hidden myself away for so many years; but seriously, how does a masculine gay man meet other masculine gay men to date? I know I want to. I know I’m ready. Problem is, it simply isn’t happening for me and hasn’t for years. Occasionally, I meet someone I like but he either doesn’t follow through, thus indicating he’s just not that interested, or he’s taken.

Actually, I have to make a minor correction. Most often, guys I’m interested in turn out to be straight. Obviously, this is a problem. It’s not like I purposely target straight guys because I don’t. It’s just that if I’m interested, he’s probably straight. Like I said, busted gaydar.

So, what are the signals that I’m not reading? How do you know if a masculine guy is into you and not just being nice. Recently, a guy moved into my building. He had the qualities I find attractive. Soft spoken, unassuming but also easy on the eyes. Gave me a big smile when we first met. However, with my history, I assumed he was straight and thought nothing of it. A month ago, I had a party at my newly renovated condo. Some of my neighbours stopped by and we got to talking. My friend Pauline asked if I had met Marco, the guy that just moved in onto her floor, the guy I recently met. I said, “sure, he seems like a nice guy.” Pauline then proceeded to ask why I hadn’t asked him out yet, to which I said, “I’m pretty sure he’s straight.” Well, Pauline wasn’t so sure and over the next couple of weeks, she made it her mission to find out. One day, we were chatting outside of her apartment and some guy who wasn’t Marco, went straight to Marco’s door, opened it with a key and went inside. Damn.

A few days later, Pauline and I were chatting and came to the conclusion that we can’t assume Marco had a boyfriend living with him. After we ended our chat, I said “screw it” and made a bold gesture. I grabbed a bottle of wine and headed to Marco’s apartment. I figured if he had a boyfriend, I would just welcome both of them to the building and if he didn’t, I would ask him out. When Marco opened the door, he looked a bit in a daze. Apparently, I had woken him up from a nap. Good thing was, he was by himself. I apologized for waking him, gave him the wine, and told him I had been meaning to stop by as I didn’t get a chance to invite him to my party. He had a big smile on his face and apologized for his state as he had been trying to nap before going out. I asked, “Oh, where are you headed tonight?” to which he responds, “I’m going out with my girlfriend tonight.” Damn. Anyway, we chatted briefly before I again apologized for waking him and left him to continue his nap.

Needless to say, I felt a bit deflated and wondered how, by allowing myself to ignore my instincts, I ended up being interested in yet another straight man. With this track record, I’m worried that I’ve become a bit defeated and it’s not a nice feeling. I’ve begun to assume masculine men that I meet are straight. And yet, I see happy and masculine gay couples on the street and I ask myself what I need to do to find the man of my dreams.

So, if you have suggestions or pointer, I’d love to hear them.

For all of you who don’t “get” being gay, there’s really not much to it. If you’re a straight woman, imagine what turns you on about men and that’s pretty much what turns me on. For the straight guys who have a hard time understanding, imagine what your girlfriend or wife likes to do to you when you’re engaged in sex. That’s what I like to do to men too! I know, pretty gross, eh? And when I say gross, I mean how I feel when I imagine my tongue in the same “feminine places” that straight men often put their tongues. Seriously. Gross! All joking aside, my point is that what is normal for you isn’t necessarily what is normal for me. Stop judging people based on who they love.

With that out of the way, if you are straight and you choose to continue reading my blog, you accept that this is MY blog about MY life, feelings and experiences. Derogatory comments will be promptly deleted.

I lived most of my life in denial. The shame that society places on gay people is the reason. I spent years hiding my sexuality by being non-sexual. Excuses were common. Although I never attended church, I hid behind religious expectations and “Christian moral principals” to deny my true feelings. No sex before marriage was a very convenient rule for a guy who had no wish to have sex with women. The result of my self-repression was depression, which progressed to a clinical depression during my university years. The feelings of depression discussed with my doctor in first year university were subsequently dismissed for an entire decade.

At age 24.5, living away from my parents for the first time in my life, during a moment of what I thought was utter weakness, I had my first experience with another man. I recall the nervousness I felt at the beginning, the sense of finally understanding what all the fuss was about during, and the horrible disappointment, guilt and self-hatred at the end. It was another 3-4 years before I accepted that I was gay… I just couldn’t say the words, even to myself. My depression became unbearable, affecting my work as a teacher and pretty much every other aspect of my life. I recall one day with a class full of students, hiding in a back room at work sobbing in the dark, in a state of complete despair. When I talked to my doctor about it, he reminded me that I had talked with him about the same feelings 10 years prior. That’s a full decade of living in a fog! Something had to change.

After a year of anti-depression medication and counselling, I awoke one day and realized the fog had lifted. Still, despite finally accepting my sexuality, I almost never talked about it. This is what we call “being in the closet”. It wasn’t for another 5 years or so, around when I was 36-37, that I suddenly found myself surrounded by people who all knew I was attracted to men and didn’t give a shit. For me, this is when my life finally began.

Now for the past 5 years, I’ve grown a lot in both experience in learning how to be comfortable in my own skin. As it turns out, I’m pretty much the same person I was all along. The only difference is I like myself a lot more than I used to. Having said that, I find that in some ways, I’m still struggling to come to terms with being gay.

Now I’m back, with a new direction. For the past 17 years, I’ve been on a more significant journey that for some reason, hasn’t taken me as far as I had hoped. It seems I’ve been lugging around too much baggage and instead of focusing on how to reach my destination, I’ve been burdened by the weight of it all. I hope by telling my stories, I can finally let go of the unnecessary items and allow myself to progress further faster, hopefully with someone special.

Finally, I hope to post regularly but it has been two years since I blogged regularly. Please be patient as I get back into a routine.

It seems the provincial government is implementing a program that many school administrators are adopting – a policy where students are never given zeros, can hand in assignments as late as they want, and have an unlimited number of chances to pass the exams they are given (link).

There are so many issues regarding how best to educate our youth yet our politicians continue to take a unified approach. Let’s implement standardized testing for every student so we know who and who isn’t meeting our expectations. Oh, but let’s not allow any failures for these tests, or any tests conducted in public education. This makes sense because all students learn the same way, think the same way, have the same interests, and develop at the same rate. Right? And everyone screws up so let’s give them as many chances as they need to succeed. Does any of this sound a bit contradictory? Does any of this even make sense to do? The entire system needs an overhaul. That’s the only way to fix our educational system.

There are some who say that teachers are whining and have no right to complain; that teachers are not held accountable because the union is too strong. I agree. The teacher’s union is in many ways, too strong. As a former teacher, I was frustrated seeing teachers who shouldn’t be in the classroom being protected by the union. However, teachers are under attack like few professions are. In a day, assuming 4 classes per day on a semester system, a teacher has 30 students per class or 120 students every day. The teacher is accountable to all their parents and all their expectations (both high and low). On the low side, uninvolved parents often have uninvolved children and thus, unmotivated learners. On the high side, parents can be unreasonably demanding and critical, some even threatening the teacher’s careers and reputations if they do not do what the parent demands. Without the teacher’s union, it would be open season on teachers. Based on what the public often says about teachers, it pretty much already is.

Remember, teachers are taking a stand mostly for the benefit of students’ success. Do you really think it’s a good idea to give students’ unlimited chances to pass tests, with no real repercussions? It’s unfortunate that some think so poorly of our public schools and teachers. Mostly, this happens because of bad experiences with ineffective teachers. However, there are some extremely caring and passionate teachers and it is unfair to paint all teachers with the same brush. So no, teachers are doing this for their own benefit. Think about it.

So back to my point. To fix the educational system, what we need are customized programs that allow for options based on the individual’s needs and aptitudes. Some students learn early on they have little or no interest or aptitude for certain subjects. A highly creative and artistic person may not have a need to learn the periodic table. It would be nice to have the ability to better tailor programs for such individuals. Schools, after a thorough evaluative process and in consultation with the teachers, parents and students, should have the ability to allow students to “opt out” of certain courses. However, the decision to do so should not be made lightly, For someone like myself, I had so many interests and affinities that I had a really hard time figuring out what I should be doing career-wise. It would not have made sense for me to drop certain courses just because I didn’t feel like taking them at the time. Despite being artistic, I stopped taking art as soon as I had the option, choosing academic courses instead. This is a decision I have long regretted. I also regret that, as a student, I did not take social studies seriously as I find I have a lot of interest in world events, history and different cultures and societies. I also regret completely dismissing business electives, something I did out of pure ignorance of what business was about.

A key to the success of such a system will be to require parents to start taking responsibility for their own child’s learning. Why are teachers the only ones ever held accountable for student learning? Without the involvement of the parents, teachers can only do so much. And ultimately, should we not expect that parents care more about their own children and to care enough to be more involved? A more tailored education system with greater parent involvement is what will keep kids in school and encourage overall success. To not allow teachers to fail students will only teach our kids one thing – that they don’t have to try very hard because they will always be given a second, third, fourth, and fifth chance.

… but hey, that’s what we seem to be doing for criminals, but I guess that’s a subject for a different post.