Trying to Let Go of My Baggage

Again, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog entry. Not really sure what to do with this blog but I don’t have the heart to shut it down. After all, it documents some pretty amazing experiences I’ve had in my travels.

Recently, I ended a friendship with someone… something that should have happened a long time ago. I held on as long as I did because of the friendship I once had with this person. However, I was holding on to a friendship that hasn’t existed in a while. One thing it has taught me is I have a tendency to hold on to the past. This got me thinking of all the other things I’ve been holding on to and how these things have affected my choices – and it scares me a bit.

We are all shaped by our past experiences and sometimes, this isn’t a good thing. Let me rephrase that. When we can’t figure out how to reconcile our past, it can keep us from moving forward. In my case, learning to accept my homosexuality was a long and difficult process and as a result, I feel like I’m carrying quite a bit of baggage. On one hand, I am the person I’ve always been. On the other, I wish I wasn’t – at least not completely. For the most part, I like who I am, the values I hold, the stand that I take. On the other hand, I wish I could be more free in being a gay man and not just a man who happens to be gay.

I find that to this day, even with people who I know could give a damn about my sexuality, I still have a hard time saying the words. It’s not that I’m ashamed in any way because I’m not. However, it’s almost like I’m holding so strongly onto my identity of “being a man” that I’m ignoring the “who happens to be gay” part.  Also, it just seems like such an absurd thing to have to do… to say to people, “I’m gay.” I can’t recall the last time a straight friend had to say explain that he or she was straight. And yet, this is part of the baggage that I seem to have. Why can’t I just let go of this and accept that, despite the openness of the community in which I live, sometimes people need the explanation in order for them to really know who I am? It feels like, in the last couple of years, I’ve actually taken a step backwards in how open I am with my sexuality. I find I’m doing less and less to “get out there”, when all I want to do is socialize and have a group of friends in the community. I envy gay acquaintances who go out regularly just to socialize, who can step into a bar or a night club and see dozens of friends they can have fun with. These people are out there, are dating, are falling in love, and sometimes, even getting married. All this is happening while I hide myself in my condo and go about my life isolated from most gay men. When I do socialize, it’s typically with the straight friends who make up 95% of the people in my life.

As much as I’ve accepted that I’m gay, I know I haven’t entirely embraced it. Years go by and I still don’t “get out there” to meet other gay men. I would love to meet gay men just by living my lifestyle but I’m realizing that this is not enough and that, as a gay man, I need to do more to seek out other gay men. If’ I’m ever going to meet someone to spend my life with, I can’t spend all my time in groups of mostly straight people. I also have to accept that although I’m not interested in the stereotypical gay man, I have to learn to accept them into my circle because most other gay men do.

A friend said to me earlier today, “you have to get out there because he’s not just going to fall through your ceiling.” I just have to keep reminding myself of this next time I hide out in my condo.

To those of you who’ve come across my recent blog entries and relate all too well with my comments… if you’re ever in Vancouver, let’s “get out there” together.

 

All the Best Ones Are Straight

Over the years, I found myself meeting guys who I click with and 95% of the time, they’re straight (the other 5% were already in relationships). From my first real crush at 28, to the guys I was once attracted to but now consider my buddies, these guys are not attainable in one way or another. As a result of this, I’ve developed a coping mechanism… I make a point of not thinking of these guys in that way so I don’t become attached and then eventually, I lose interest. It’s worked out pretty well for me – that is, until last week.

For the past 4 years, I’ve bemoaned the fact that I haven’t met anyone at the gym that I would consider a friend and the few that I talk with are barely friendly acquaintances. Nico is this masculine, attractive guy who just started working out at my gym. Physically, he’s totally my type – Dark hair, kind eyes, around my height (a bit taller), not overly muscular but in good shape, and most importantly, masculine. I wouldn’t have thought much of it except for the fact that he’s got this energy about him. I’ve encountered it before a few times. It’s an energy that puts you at complete ease when you talk to this total stranger and you feel like you’ve known him for much longer. There was no awkwardness, no smalltalk, no shyness. I knew I liked him from the moment we started talking and he seems genuinely interested in getting to know me.

Unfortunately for me, he’s married.

It isn’t often I meet someone like Nico and I don’t want to not befriend him because he’s straight and married. However, for the first time in a long time, it seems my self-preservation defences haven’t kicked in and I find myself worried that I’m about to knowingly allow myself to start falling for a straight guy.

 

How Long is my Gaydar’s Warranty Period?

Tonight at the gym, there was this guy I’d seen before. Handsome, very masculine, and in good shape. Not a pretty boy by any means but someone who exudes masculinity. I’ve noticed him before but he’s not someone I see often. Tonight, I found myself frequentyl gazing in his direction. I’m not sure but I think he noticed as I caught his gaze a few times as well. Then what always happens happened. I started over-thinking the situation. Every time he noticed I was looking his way, I’d look away for fear of offending a straight guy. Then I started feeling silly about it and stopped looking away but I couldn’t get up the nerve to talk to him. Then I started feeling like a weird stalker so I went on with my workout as if he wasn’t there at all.

What keeps holding me back from going up and saying hi to a guy like this is the fact that I’ve never had any success with it. Translation: They always turn out to be straight. This little fact has gotten me feeling very insecure about the people I’m attracted to.

So, how does one go about finding out if a masculine guy is gay? I know for me, I’ve had enough people, gay and straight, tell me they thought I was straight. The gay ones have admitted to keeping their distance because of incorrect assumption. Knowing that, I don’t want to continue missing opportunities of meeting cool men. I want to be confident enough to just show a guy I’m interested but I fear my track record has really screwed me up.

How would you go about talking with a guy you’re interested in when you’re not sure is gay? Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.

 

The Rules of Attraction

I’ve been in a state these past few days. A state of self contemplation, wondering what it is that I’m doing or not doing when it comes to meeting other gay men.

For example, I’ve been working out at the same gym for the past 4 years. It’s located in downtown Vancouver and is attended by a lot of gay men. One thing I’ve noticed though is when I used to work out in the suburbs, I felt like I was a part of the gym’s community. I always knew someone at the gym and it felt friendly. This has not been the case at my new gym. Despite being predominantly gay, I’ve never felt so isolated. People don’t talk to me and I don’t feel l belong.

I don’t go to the gym to meet guys and actually think it’s such a cliche to chat up someone at the gym. However, it would be nice to see people there who I could consider friends, people I can rely on for a spot or possibly even work out with occasionally. However, after 4 years, I can count on one hand the number of people I feel comfortable talking to.

So, this has me thinking. Am I sending off some sort of vibe that says “leave me alone”, some sort of straight vibe, or am I simply not attractive to gay men? I mean, I think I’m a good looking man and have gotten a lot of attention from women. But gay men are different beasts with different motivations. Do I need to “nelly it up” for other gay men to feel comfortable around me? I hope not. I’m not sure how successful I would be.

On the flip side, I’ve been called on something lately, something I find unusual. Recently, I was disappointed by someone I met online. It turned out he faked everything about himself except his beliefs and general life characteristics. It was a random meeting on a discussion forum as opposed to a dating site. He got my attention because he seemed to have very similar moral values regarding dating and monogamy. We started an exchange and when he included a photo of himself, I was hooked. After a very friendly online chat that lasted almost 3 hours, he cut of all contact with me. Later, I learned he was using someone else’s photos and that he had lied about who he was.

I told my story on the discussion forum where we met and someone posted a response that seemed to suggest it was my fault for pursuing a friendship partially due to a physical attraction. Hmmm. Isn’t that normally how it’s done? Don’t we all develop an interest in someone partially due to physical attraction?

This past weekend, I met some new people through friends at dinner. After dinner, some of us went to a sports bar for some drinks. While we were there, one of my friends started receiving text message on his phone from one of the guys who had chosen not to join us for after-dinner drinks. It seems he was interested in me and was trying to get more info. He was a nice enough guy but not someone I normally notice. Well, my friends kept talking like it was a done deal and that he and I should go on a date. I almost felt like I was obligated to do so and then I felt like an asshole for not being more interested. I mean, good looks isn’t all that counts. It’s not even mostly what counts. Without substance behind a pretty face, interactions become pretty dull fast. And we’ve all experienced situations where people become more and more attractive as we get to know them. But when you don’t know someone and the physical is all we have to go on, isn’t it normal to place a higher priority on the physical? It’s not like I wouldn’t go out with this guy just because I’m not that into him physically. However, should I feel guilty about not being super excited about it? Am I being too picky? Do I sound like a complete jackass?

I really want to break down the walls I may be unconsciously putting up and to become a better gay man. Because I feel like I’m doing something wrong with regards to my lack of success meeting gay men, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

 

The Elusive Masculine Gay Man

Okay, what’s a masculine gay man to do. I have to admit, for the most part, I don’t relate to most gay men. More accurately, I don’t feel like I relate to the stereotype of what gay men are like. I don’t pluck my eyebrows. I don’t dress up to take my dog out for her morning potty break. I’m not flamboyant.  I don’t refer to my male friends using feminine terms. And most of all, I don’t sleep around. What bothers me is that these stereotypes seem to commonly fit the identifiably gay man. And seeing that I have defective gaydar, meeting other gay men who are like myself has been difficult to say the least.

Honestly, part of my problem is that I lack experience, having hidden myself away for so many years; but seriously, how does a masculine gay man meet other masculine gay men to date? I know I want to. I know I’m ready. Problem is, it simply isn’t happening for me and hasn’t for years. Occasionally, I meet someone I like but he either doesn’t follow through, thus indicating he’s just not that interested, or he’s taken.

Actually, I have to make a minor correction. Most often, guys I’m interested in turn out to be straight. Obviously, this is a problem. It’s not like I purposely target straight guys because I don’t. It’s just that if I’m interested, he’s probably straight. Like I said, busted gaydar.

So, what are the signals that I’m not reading? How do you know if a masculine guy is into you and not just being nice. Recently, a guy moved into my building. He had the qualities I find attractive. Soft spoken, unassuming but also easy on the eyes. Gave me a big smile when we first met. However, with my history, I assumed he was straight and thought nothing of it. A month ago, I had a party at my newly renovated condo. Some of my neighbours stopped by and we got to talking. My friend Pauline asked if I had met Marco, the guy that just moved in onto her floor, the guy I recently met. I said, “sure, he seems like a nice guy.” Pauline then proceeded to ask why I hadn’t asked him out yet, to which I said, “I’m pretty sure he’s straight.” Well, Pauline wasn’t so sure and over the next couple of weeks, she made it her mission to find out. One day, we were chatting outside of her apartment and some guy who wasn’t Marco, went straight to Marco’s door, opened it with a key and went inside. Damn.

A few days later, Pauline and I were chatting and came to the conclusion that we can’t assume Marco had a boyfriend living with him. After we ended our chat, I said “screw it” and made a bold gesture. I grabbed a bottle of wine and headed to Marco’s apartment. I figured if he had a boyfriend, I would just welcome both of them to the building and if he didn’t, I would ask him out. When Marco opened the door, he looked a bit in a daze. Apparently, I had woken him up from a nap. Good thing was, he was by himself. I apologized for waking him, gave him the wine, and told him I had been meaning to stop by as I didn’t get a chance to invite him to my party. He had a big smile on his face and apologized for his state as he had been trying to nap before going out. I asked, “Oh, where are you headed tonight?” to which he responds, “I’m going out with my girlfriend tonight.” Damn. Anyway, we chatted briefly before I again apologized for waking him and left him to continue his nap.

Needless to say, I felt a bit deflated and wondered how, by allowing myself to ignore my instincts, I ended up being interested in yet another straight man. With this track record, I’m worried that I’ve become a bit defeated and it’s not a nice feeling. I’ve begun to assume masculine men that I meet are straight. And yet, I see happy and masculine gay couples on the street and I ask myself what I need to do to find the man of my dreams.

So, if you have suggestions or pointer, I’d love to hear them.

 

The Secret is Out!

So by the way, I’m gay. I have been all my life. Without going into the details of my childhood / adolescence, all you really need to know is that I have never been physically attracted to girls / women. NEVER. Emotionally, yes. Physically, NEVER. Oh, did I say I’ve NEVER been physically attracted to women?

For all of you who don’t “get” being gay, there’s really not much to it. If you’re a straight woman, imagine what turns you on about men and that’s pretty much what turns me on. For the straight guys who have a hard time understanding, imagine what your girlfriend or wife likes to do to you when you’re engaged in sex. That’s what I like to do to men too! I know, pretty gross, eh? And when I say gross, I mean how I feel when I imagine my tongue in the same “feminine places” that straight men often put their tongues. Seriously. Gross! All joking aside, my point is that what is normal for you isn’t necessarily what is normal for me. Stop judging people based on who they love.

With that out of the way, if you are straight and you choose to continue reading my blog, you accept that this is MY blog about MY life, feelings and experiences. Derogatory comments will be promptly deleted.

I lived most of my life in denial. The shame that society places on gay people is the reason. I spent years hiding my sexuality by being non-sexual. Excuses were common. Although I never attended church, I hid behind religious expectations and “Christian moral principals” to deny my true feelings. No sex before marriage was a very convenient rule for a guy who had no wish to have sex with women. The result of my self-repression was depression, which progressed to a clinical depression during my university years. The feelings of depression discussed with my doctor in first year university were subsequently dismissed for an entire decade.

At age 24.5, living away from my parents for the first time in my life, during a moment of what I thought was utter weakness, I had my first experience with another man. I recall the nervousness I felt at the beginning, the sense of finally understanding what all the fuss was about during, and the horrible disappointment, guilt and self-hatred at the end. It was another 3-4 years before I accepted that I was gay… I just couldn’t say the words, even to myself. My depression became unbearable, affecting my work as a teacher and pretty much every other aspect of my life. I recall one day with a class full of students, hiding in a back room at work sobbing in the dark, in a state of complete despair. When I talked to my doctor about it, he reminded me that I had talked with him about the same feelings 10 years prior. That’s a full decade of living in a fog! Something had to change.

After a year of anti-depression medication and counselling, I awoke one day and realized the fog had lifted. Still, despite finally accepting my sexuality, I almost never talked about it. This is what we call “being in the closet”. It wasn’t for another 5 years or so, around when I was 36-37, that I suddenly found myself surrounded by people who all knew I was attracted to men and didn’t give a shit. For me, this is when my life finally began.

Now for the past 5 years, I’ve grown a lot in both experience in learning how to be comfortable in my own skin. As it turns out, I’m pretty much the same person I was all along. The only difference is I like myself a lot more than I used to. Having said that, I find that in some ways, I’m still struggling to come to terms with being gay.

 

2010 – A New Beginning for the Traveling Canuck

My life has changed in the past couple of years and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with this blog. Once it was a diary of my travels and experiences – a way to share my life and remain connected to the people I love. Well, my physical travels ended two years ago and for the most part, so did this blog.

Now I’m back, with a new direction. For the past 17 years, I’ve been on a more significant journey that for some reason, hasn’t taken me as far as I had hoped. It seems I’ve been lugging around too much baggage and instead of focusing on how to reach my destination, I’ve been burdened by the weight of it all. I hope by telling my stories, I can finally let go of the unnecessary items and allow myself to progress further faster, hopefully with someone special.

Finally, I hope to post regularly but it has been two years since I blogged regularly. Please be patient as I get back into a routine.

 

Carole James – Pot calling the Kettle Black

I just discoverd this article posted on the Provincial NDP web site (February 26, 2009) regarding the project to replace the roof of BC Place Stadium. After reading it, the first question that pops into my head is, “ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FRIGGIN’ MIND?”

For your reference, here’s the link to what the NDP calls “the truth” and the following are my thoughts.

1. Apparently, a warning that the roof will last another 15-20 years is cause for immediate action and when the roof tore (or according the the NDP, collapsed – a bit of a hyperbole you think?), the Liberals should have known, because they were warned?
2. Upon realizing the roof wouldn’t last the 15-20 years the government was told it would, they were somehow supposed to miraculously have a plan in place IMMEDIATELY.  Time to investigate and consult with architects and structural engineers, time to get evaluative reports done properly, is apparently what the NDP considers stalling by the Liberals.
3. The crazy building boom we had in Vancouver in the past 5 years, is somehow something the government should have had a contingency plan for. Because they were told the roof would need replacing in 15-20 years, the Liberals should have known to replace it now. Not only that, there’s a construction boom, so before the costs rise further, the Liberals should rush into a decision and get it done now. Getting it done faster is more important than getting it done right. Right?

Yeah, it would have been nice to get a new roof for BC Place in time for the Olympics. But considering what we knew at the time, that wasn’t a necessary cost. By the time a new roof was determined to be needed more urgently than originally thought, replacing for the Olympics wasn’t feasible. Seriously, what would the NDP have done? I shutter to think about the possibilities.

If the NDP is going to blame the Liberals for “stalling” until construction costs skyrocketed, now that the boom has gone bust, are they going to give the Liberals credit for “waiting” until costs started to go down? I mean, if you’re going to blame them for not planning for an economic situation they had no control over, then give them credit for the same when the tides turn in their favour.

As far as going for a more expensive replacement project, a retractible roof not only is a better plan when looking at the big picture but also increases the functionality and usefulness of the stadium. So as much as a “more affordable” design might be sufficient, an argument can also be made for a more costly design that has greater overall benefits and aesthetics. I mean, we are talking about a long term solution, right? And a decision needs to be made now, despite what the economic situation may be.

Let me say it again. Carole James, ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FRIGGIN’ MIND? The Liberals are by no means perfect but really? Are you running out of actual things to bitch about and are now resorting to twisting the facts and making stuff up?

But then again, there’s a provincial election coming up and we should consider letting the NDP make the decisions. Remember how well it worked out with their fast ferries?

 

…One Year Later

Well it has been a year now and how things have changed. The Traveling Canuck isn’t doing much traveling these days. Where do I start?

A year ago, I was on what was to be my last trip with the “dreaded company”. Not that I didn’t like what I was doing. It’s just the company itself was lacking, …in respect for its photographers, …in honesty, …in, well, pretty much all the things that would make it a great place to work. Also, as much fun as I had traveling, I came to realize that it wasn’t much fun doing it alone or doing it in places that many would consider “the middle of nowhere”. And who had time to truly experience these places (other than the insides of the hotels I was shooting)? Enough was enough and it was time to make a change.

So the last trip had me shooting casinos (again) in the midwestern United States. I was fortunate enough to be able to end my trip in San Francisco though. Didn’t spend a ton of time there (maybe a week?) but I love that city and it was a good way to conclude my full-time employment with “the dreaded company”. I continued on a part-time basis for about 5 months but in the end, it just wasn’t worth it.

So, what have I been doing since? Well, I started my own architectural and interior photography company: ARC – Architectural Photography. The name of course, speaks for itself and mostly targets high-end hotel brands, construction and real estate.

So far, I’ve gotten a few very interesting clients and interesting potential clients. For now, it’s a matter of getting the word out there. I’m very confident that I’m finally doing what I should have been doing all along.

I’ve also finally completely repainted my condo. As some of you know, when I bought my place, it had been a rental unit for about 9 years. It was also a “leaky condo” and about to be repaired (most of which took place while I was on the road). Soon after I stopped traveling full-time, the project to rebuild the entire building envelop was completed and it was time to start work on the interior.

Over the 9 years my condo was being rented out, some of the renters had casually and poorly slapped on paint on the walls and by the time I got the place, it was just a mess. Drips marks, hand prints, patch jobs that were not sanded down before they were painted on, and semi-gloss paint. It was just an ugly mess. I had been procrastinating over repainting because I knew the prep work would be a complete nightmare. It literally took me weeks to sand everything down, patch, resand, prime and repaint. There was a day I spent probably 10-12 hours straight, just sanding. To make things worse, it turns out that the paint store sold me the wrong primer and on parts of the wall, the new coat of paint was not adhering properly. When I put on the second or third coat, the underlying coat would start to blister, which meant I had to peel it off (it came off in sheets!) and start again! The paint store was kind enough to send in a regional rep to evaluate the situation. He then resupplied me with paint for free and even gave me extra paint for my bedroom, which I hadn’t started working on yet. I have to say, Cloverdale paint provided me with exceptional customer service and I would go back to them the next time I have a project.

Finally, my last big update. I’m a dad, sort of. A month ago, I purchased a purebred Australian Shepherd puppy. Not to be confused with an Australian Cattle Dog (Blue Heeler), the Australian Shepherd is actually an American breed and is considered among the smartest dog breeds out there. They are herding dogs so really need something to do or learn. Very athletic and very loyal, I’m looking forward to playing frisbee or flyball with her.

Here’s the introduction. This is Tobi. She’s about 10 weeks old in the pic and in the last two weeks, have gone from 13.6 lbs to 17.6 lbs! My little girl is growing up!

As for this blog, I’m not quite sure what to do with it. Not being on the road all the time has changed the need to update it regularly. I actually get to spend time with my family and friends now and quite honestly, my adventures at home are nowhere near as interesting as my adventures on the road (at least to me). As I said, it’s been a year and I really wanted to at least write this update. I’m just not sure what I should do from this point on. If you have any ideas, suggestions or comment, feel free to share. I’d like to hear your input.

 

Home for the Holidays!

Yay! After 35 days on the road, I am happy to be back in Vancouver and back home, sleeping in my own bed! Although I had some wonderful experiences and met some great people (thanks Davey, for being a great friend… hope to see you in Vancouver sometime!), it was my last trip of the year and thus, one of the most difficult psychologically.

I’ve spent the past couple of days doing very little, although today, I finally managed to get some groceries and to hit the gym (man, do I need to get back in to shape!). It was nice to do something “normal” and I’m starting to recover from my month away from home in time to start preparing for the holiday season.

Due to my lack of motivation during the last couple of weeks of my trip, I did not post any blog entries. I did however, take several photos that I intended to use in my blog so tonight, I cheated by posting some entries and back-dating them to when I should have posted them. Please go and check them out. I’ve put up some pretty pictures for you to look at.