I’ve been in a state these past few days. A state of self contemplation, wondering what it is that I’m doing or not doing when it comes to meeting other gay men.
For example, I’ve been working out at the same gym for the past 4 years. It’s located in downtown Vancouver and is attended by a lot of gay men. One thing I’ve noticed though is when I used to work out in the suburbs, I felt like I was a part of the gym’s community. I always knew someone at the gym and it felt friendly. This has not been the case at my new gym. Despite being predominantly gay, I’ve never felt so isolated. People don’t talk to me and I don’t feel l belong.
I don’t go to the gym to meet guys and actually think it’s such a cliche to chat up someone at the gym. However, it would be nice to see people there who I could consider friends, people I can rely on for a spot or possibly even work out with occasionally. However, after 4 years, I can count on one hand the number of people I feel comfortable talking to.
So, this has me thinking. Am I sending off some sort of vibe that says “leave me alone”, some sort of straight vibe, or am I simply not attractive to gay men? I mean, I think I’m a good looking man and have gotten a lot of attention from women. But gay men are different beasts with different motivations. Do I need to “nelly it up” for other gay men to feel comfortable around me? I hope not. I’m not sure how successful I would be.
On the flip side, I’ve been called on something lately, something I find unusual. Recently, I was disappointed by someone I met online. It turned out he faked everything about himself except his beliefs and general life characteristics. It was a random meeting on a discussion forum as opposed to a dating site. He got my attention because he seemed to have very similar moral values regarding dating and monogamy. We started an exchange and when he included a photo of himself, I was hooked. After a very friendly online chat that lasted almost 3 hours, he cut of all contact with me. Later, I learned he was using someone else’s photos and that he had lied about who he was.
I told my story on the discussion forum where we met and someone posted a response that seemed to suggest it was my fault for pursuing a friendship partially due to a physical attraction. Hmmm. Isn’t that normally how it’s done? Don’t we all develop an interest in someone partially due to physical attraction?
This past weekend, I met some new people through friends at dinner. After dinner, some of us went to a sports bar for some drinks. While we were there, one of my friends started receiving text message on his phone from one of the guys who had chosen not to join us for after-dinner drinks. It seems he was interested in me and was trying to get more info. He was a nice enough guy but not someone I normally notice. Well, my friends kept talking like it was a done deal and that he and I should go on a date. I almost felt like I was obligated to do so and then I felt like an asshole for not being more interested. I mean, good looks isn’t all that counts. It’s not even mostly what counts. Without substance behind a pretty face, interactions become pretty dull fast. And we’ve all experienced situations where people become more and more attractive as we get to know them. But when you don’t know someone and the physical is all we have to go on, isn’t it normal to place a higher priority on the physical? It’s not like I wouldn’t go out with this guy just because I’m not that into him physically. However, should I feel guilty about not being super excited about it? Am I being too picky? Do I sound like a complete jackass?
I really want to break down the walls I may be unconsciously putting up and to become a better gay man. Because I feel like I’m doing something wrong with regards to my lack of success meeting gay men, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.
