The Elusive Masculine Gay Man

Okay, what’s a masculine gay man to do. I have to admit, for the most part, I don’t relate to most gay men. More accurately, I don’t feel like I relate to the stereotype of what gay men are like. I don’t pluck my eyebrows. I don’t dress up to take my dog out for her morning potty break. I’m not flamboyant.  I don’t refer to my male friends using feminine terms. And most of all, I don’t sleep around. What bothers me is that these stereotypes seem to commonly fit the identifiably gay man. And seeing that I have defective gaydar, meeting other gay men who are like myself has been difficult to say the least.

Honestly, part of my problem is that I lack experience, having hidden myself away for so many years; but seriously, how does a masculine gay man meet other masculine gay men to date? I know I want to. I know I’m ready. Problem is, it simply isn’t happening for me and hasn’t for years. Occasionally, I meet someone I like but he either doesn’t follow through, thus indicating he’s just not that interested, or he’s taken.

Actually, I have to make a minor correction. Most often, guys I’m interested in turn out to be straight. Obviously, this is a problem. It’s not like I purposely target straight guys because I don’t. It’s just that if I’m interested, he’s probably straight. Like I said, busted gaydar.

So, what are the signals that I’m not reading? How do you know if a masculine guy is into you and not just being nice. Recently, a guy moved into my building. He had the qualities I find attractive. Soft spoken, unassuming but also easy on the eyes. Gave me a big smile when we first met. However, with my history, I assumed he was straight and thought nothing of it. A month ago, I had a party at my newly renovated condo. Some of my neighbours stopped by and we got to talking. My friend Pauline asked if I had met Marco, the guy that just moved in onto her floor, the guy I recently met. I said, “sure, he seems like a nice guy.” Pauline then proceeded to ask why I hadn’t asked him out yet, to which I said, “I’m pretty sure he’s straight.” Well, Pauline wasn’t so sure and over the next couple of weeks, she made it her mission to find out. One day, we were chatting outside of her apartment and some guy who wasn’t Marco, went straight to Marco’s door, opened it with a key and went inside. Damn.

A few days later, Pauline and I were chatting and came to the conclusion that we can’t assume Marco had a boyfriend living with him. After we ended our chat, I said “screw it” and made a bold gesture. I grabbed a bottle of wine and headed to Marco’s apartment. I figured if he had a boyfriend, I would just welcome both of them to the building and if he didn’t, I would ask him out. When Marco opened the door, he looked a bit in a daze. Apparently, I had woken him up from a nap. Good thing was, he was by himself. I apologized for waking him, gave him the wine, and told him I had been meaning to stop by as I didn’t get a chance to invite him to my party. He had a big smile on his face and apologized for his state as he had been trying to nap before going out. I asked, “Oh, where are you headed tonight?” to which he responds, “I’m going out with my girlfriend tonight.” Damn. Anyway, we chatted briefly before I again apologized for waking him and left him to continue his nap.

Needless to say, I felt a bit deflated and wondered how, by allowing myself to ignore my instincts, I ended up being interested in yet another straight man. With this track record, I’m worried that I’ve become a bit defeated and it’s not a nice feeling. I’ve begun to assume masculine men that I meet are straight. And yet, I see happy and masculine gay couples on the street and I ask myself what I need to do to find the man of my dreams.

So, if you have suggestions or pointer, I’d love to hear them.